Posted by
Todd J. Fulda on Sunday, September 07, 2008 8:16:45 PM
When I rule the world, I will introduce several new requirements for entering the Democratic and the GOP National Conventions. I feel that these enterance requirements will help maintain party images and thus eliminate unwanted confusion.
The Democratic National Convention Entry Guidelines According to Me
1. All arrivals must come via bicycle, public transport, tour bus, or one of those cars that gets 40 MPG and makes you look like a total wierdo from a bad sci-fi movie (i.e. Toyota Prius or those three wheeled cars that barely hold two people).
2. IF YOU ARE A WHITE MALE: You must wear a tie-dye T-shirt, keep your hair long and unkept, and have a long beard that makes you look like a bum or the long lost member of ZZ Top. You must also be a vegetarian or a vegan to protest the treatment of the poor animals. You must also end every sentence with the words, "Man," "Brah," or "Dude."
3. IF YOU ARE A WHITE FEMALE: You must wear men's clothing that makes you look like a lumberjack and you have to have very short, if not bald, hair. You must also call men "Breeders" and curse the patriarchal system everyday.
4. IF YOU ARE AN ETHNIC MINORITY: You must wear ethnic clothing and/or poor person clothes... This will help the Party give more "Woe-is-you" speeches at how the cultures of minorities aren't respected in America and how the evil white man pushes you into poverty.
5. If you have a lot of money, leave your large donation at the door and leave. We like your money but we don't like you.
6. You have to like every kind of music... Even that waterfall stuff that isn't really music but is passed of as it anyway.
7. No Christians, please.... You people are responsible for all that is wrong in this world.
The Republican National Convention Entry Guidelines According to Me
1. You must wear a cowboy hat when you enter and throughout the entire convention.
2. You must arrive via airplane, gas guzzling SUV, mini-van, or expensive sports car.
3. FOR WHITE MALES: You must have your hair prim and proper with well groomed or no facial hair. You must also wear an expensive suit bought from the finest of suit makers. You must complain about those "Darn teenagers and their baggy pants and rock music" at least once a day. You must also eat a lot of meat to the point where you'll risk colon cancer just to stick it to those darn hippies.
4. FOR WHITE FEMALES: Your hair must be long and you must wear traditional female clothes... Preferably a dress or skirt. You must also be willing to be hailed for your exploits in the workplace or your hardwork at home (we prefer the latter).
5. FOR ETHNIC MINORITIES: You must come in looking AMERICAN! DO-YOU-UNDER-STAND-ME? A-MER-I-CAN... You gotta learn to speak English and dress/act like we do. After you do that, you have to tell everyone how awesome America is compared to your old country.
6. You have to like both kinds of music... Country AND Western.
7. You have to at least PRETEND to be a good Christian... You definitely can't be a Muslim, you might be trying to blow up the convention or something.